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Aaron moved to Mueller pt 15
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Posts: 303
Joined on August 30th, 2007
Aaron moved to Mueller pt 15
by aaron on May 22nd, 2009

This is the fortieth-second in a series of columns about the travels of Aaron and his family in his quest to move from the suburbs to Mueller.

The quantitative sauce theory.

I’ve been working on this new theory in my head that I have to get out into the blogosphere. When I was a kid we didn’t eat out much. In fact, we didn’t even have a microwave. My mom had to scrap together a dinner from actual food and not frozen processed treats, except for the occasional time when we had an hour to spare for a frozen TV to cook properly in its Swanson’s lazy S stamped metal container, complete with cherry cobbler that was always eaten first. I am sure every older reader of this blog is licking their lips reminiscing about metallic flavored cherry cobbler and the younger reader is patiently awaiting comments how much it snowed and how much movies cost, etc.

On the few nights we actually got to eat out, we got to go get a taco at Taco Bell where the whole family ate for a few bucks, or on special nights get a burger at a burger joint. Our options for tacos at Taco Bell were hot sauce. Just one flavor of hot sauce. (I did learn the oxidized penny in the Taco Bell hot sauce at this time which, crazily, still works today.) At the burger place, we got our choice of mustard, mayonnaise, and/or ketchup. That’s it. Back then you could actually taste the meat in the burger/taco. I’m sure there were some salt and pepper seasoning and the meat nicely meshed with the basic sauce and you had an enjoyable meal.

The first sauce variation came in the form of a “Special Sauce”. The three main ingredients in a special sauce recipe, which some will claim as thousand island dressing is mayonnaise, ketchup and pickle relish. Why put three different ingredients on, when you can pre-mix your batch and give a funky, yet, marketable name? Thus was born Mr. McDonald’s “Special Sauce”, applied “liberally”, with his “caulking gun applicator”.

In the early 80’s, and I’m not making this up, the Clorox company which had bought the rights to “ranch” dressing from Hidden Valley Ranch, cleverly came up with a unrefrigerated bottle of its “ranch” dressing and began selling it at supermarkets. By the mid eighties, ranch dressing was showing up at pizza buffets, (probably as stray from the salad bar side to the pizza side) as crust dip and Doritos flavoring. Basically, the ranch boom was only missing ranch flavored gum. This mega-sauce had a profound effect on the junk and fast food lifestyle that a now expanding (woo hoo Puns! American public was witnessing. Meat products of restaurants were being overshadowed by sauces. They became marketing beacons to bring in the masses.

Nowadays, you can drown your meal with sauces. A current scan of restaurants reveals, horsey sauce, honey mustard sauce, volcano sauce, buffalo sauce, BBQ sauce, etc. Add in that you could add any salad dressing to your burger or taco and you’ve got meals that are all sauce and no other flavors. Seriously, try to eat a burger at a restaurant that is loaded in sauce and try to taste the meat. There is no substance now, and restaurants put all of their attention in sauces. We are overwhelmed with sauces. If I’m going to die by heart attack some day, I want to at least enjoy my meat product sandwich.

You may be wondering how the hell I am going to tie a Friday after lunch sauce theory with living at Mueller. So let me quickly wrap this up with this epiphany. If Mueller is a hark back to the old porch days when Americans sat on their porch and hung out with cheap beers and debated current events, then Mueller must be the mustard/ketchup of the sauce world. Where the burgers taste delicious and living is easy. You’ll notice that when America started moving away from the cities to suburbs that America started fattening up on sauces with their meals. Therefore, suburbia is a ranch dressing special sauce sandwich deep friend in emptiness and social isolation.

This weekend kicks off the Parade of Homes Tickets don’t come cheap, and since this is the first time in a long time that a centrally located parade of homes exist, they are expecting anywhere between 20,000 to 40,000 people to visit. At $15 a ticket, that is a lot of mullah to see how I live (in a much cheaper house). If you do visit the parade of homes (which actually sounds like a good time with the live music and energy savings booths), feel free to drop by the GC (garden court for first time readers) and say hi. I am in the red house a block east of the parade area. I’ll even give you a tour of my house for free, er, I mean a small fee. Lemonade for the lemonadely challenged. Mueller high lifes for those high lifey challenged. I do have concerns about parking the next two weeks. I hear there is a park and ride that I hope people will use, but know that they won’t.

If you do come on Saturday, feel free to stick around for the movie in the Garden Court. Last week’s monsoon pushed back the movie night to this Saturday. I’m going to show Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at dark:15 for the kiddos (complete with Wonka bar cleverly disguised as a Hersey bar and everlasting inedible glow sticks) and following up with Young Frankenstein

This post has no new shenanigan for buying my house. The last few weeks of grad school kicked my butt a bit and I had no time to doing anything outrageously funny for money.

Lastly, here is this post’s underground Mueller ad campaign. I hope you like it.

Next time, I apply my food science degree to better uses, like investigating the effects of carbon dioxide and oxygen levels in modified atmospheric packages for chopped green peppers using gas chromatograph read outs. It’s quite a decomposing subject.
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